Life Isn't Always Rainbows

*disclaimer - I'm not even sure this makes sense. Just my thoughts from tonight. Read at your own risk.*

Sometimes, life is a big ole' messy downpour. Puddles, rain down your shirt, soaked sock because you didn't realize there was a hole in your boot. Chilly wind in your face. Cold rain just for good measure. Sometimes, even going to your happy place isn't really enough.

But you still gotta appreciate the small, good moments, even if you have to look extra super hard for it.

Today was a rough day. It was go-go-go at work from my arrival at 7:45 until my departure at 4:15 (15 minutes later than I wanted to leave). I did IDs and Chromebooks by myself this morning, solved tech problems, handed out sub computers, sent emails, talked Beta Convention roommates - all before 8:45. From there it was a full on busy day of teaching a mystery lesson (my favorite lesson), solving more tech problems (and trying to get kids to behave for my mom who was their sub), enjoying lunch for 5 minutes (which was interrupted twice for ID issues), receipting my ID money and making copies for one class while forgetting to make more for the other, watching ISS so their teacher could go on lunch, running to the bookkeeper's office to figure out how my money was off (I can't count, that's how), racing to my last two classes of the day (and sending a kid to get my Crocs from my office because I was done with the cute heels), dashing out to car duty, comforting a kid who was crying because she missed her bus and helping her get in touch with someone who could come pick her up, and finally leaving 15 minutes later than I wanted (and then having to stop by my work bestie's house to drop off her computer). While also forgetting to make copies for tomorrow and translate two of my mystery lesson characters into Spanish. Oh well. Guess I'll get there early tomorrow.

Anyway, to make a long story short (yeah right), by the time I got home and changed into my barn clothes, I was later leaving the house than I wanted and thus later getting to the barn. Which isn't really a bad thing because I didn't have a lesson or anything, I was just using one of my half lease rides so the timing didn't really matter - I just like to be there when I say I'm going to be there, which in this case was 5. Because that's how my brain works.

So suffice it to say that by the time I got to the barn, I wasn't in the best mood. I got to learn some not-so-glamorous horsey stuff (I love that the barn owner and other instructors let me listen in and watch while they do the basic horsey stuff because I'm a nerd and while I am now immensely glad I have a mare, I still like learning things) and then I went and got Pepper. 

I brushed her some.

I gave her a mint. 

I rested my head on her neck and breathed. 

And then I took her up to the round pen to do some connection work. I've been watching Warwick Schiller videos and trying to "Lead with Energy." 

But my heart and my head just weren't in it. It was cold (my thermal gloves need to arrive) and Pepper was feeding off my vibes that today just wasn't a good day. I let her mosey around the round pen and did some matching steps but I didn't really feel like trying any of the Warwick stuff I've learned. Pepper seemed a little extra tense (it was darker than when we usually go up to the round pen and there were some strange noises) but I knew I didn't have the right headspace and patience for Masterson stuff either. 

One of the amazing things that I love about horses is how in tune they are with our emotions and feelings. I got the awesome opportunity to help with a Girls Scout group on Sunday (best.day.ever) and it was so fun explaining to them how horses mirror our energy and respond to our moods. So as I watched Pepper, I knew that she was responding to my mood but I also knew that I was not any use to her in my current state and that I just wasn't going to get out of my funk right then.

So, feeling a little defeated, I put her lead rope back on and we left the round pen. 

Sounds like no big deal, right? We left the round pen.

But it is a big deal. Because Pepper does not like leaving the round pen. She thinks it is going to eat her. The last few times we've been in there, Pepper has flipped out when leaving, even rearing a little on the lead rope. Chris helped me with some tips and suggestions the last time and I made sure to use them tonight - waiting at the open gate for a few minutes before walking through to show her that it was fine - and she left the round pen with no issues. 

And that was that. After that, I cleaned out her hooves, put her away and gave her the rest of her mints. It was dark and cold and so I headed home. 

There'd been no magical ah-ha moment. I hadn't felt super connected with Pepper like I have other times. I didn't feel any amazing surges of joy. My mom asked how it was as we talked on the way home and I said, "Fine." I talked more about my anxiety and issues and how I wish I was more assertive than about my time at the barn and that's not how I usually am.

But now as I'm sitting here at my computer spilling out my guts and trying to be transparent with the 4 people that read this, I am realizing that even when things are hard and they're tough and you're not at your best mentally or emotionally, you can still take comfort in the little things. Because without the little things, the big things don't matter either.

Not every day is going to be a home run. Not every work day is going to be amazing, not every moment spent at the barn is going to be transcendent (though any time at the barn is still a blessing).

So when the going gets tough and the headspace gets out of whack, you gotta remember the small things and remember that tomorrow is a brand new day, a fresh start, a chance for a new opportunity.

Today? 

Today, Pepper left the round pen with all 4 hooves on the ground.

And I'll take it.