Pepper Likes Me For Me

My beautiful "dragon pony."

Yesterday morning was not a great morning for me. Sometimes, I get these moments when I get in my head and find myself stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts with no way out - at least none that I can see. It happens less these days, for which I am definitely grateful, but when it hits, it's hard to talk myself out of the spiral and into a better headspace.

Yesterday was one of those times. 

I was going to go to an equine ministry open house type thing in Wellford and I was really excited about it - until I started getting ready. That's when the negative thoughts began to creep in.

"You won't know anyone and so it's going to be really awkward because you won't have anyone to talk to." 

"Man, you've gained back all the weight you lost over the summer and everyone will notice that you're not some trim, slim, athletic girl."

"People will notice you don't have the cutest hairstyle - are you really going to wear your hair like that?"

"Haha, even putting on makeup won't help you look better." 

"You're going to make everyone at your current barn mad at you because you're thinking of volunteering somewhere else."

"Why even leave the house?" 

The thoughts just kept spiraling. I FaceTimed my mom and asked her about my hair. I messaged my best friend for some wisdom (which she dispensed because she is amazing). It also didn't help that I've been on Match.com lately and I decided to look and see who had "viewed my profile" and a number of them were guys I'd messaged because I thought we'd be perfect together ... yet they'd viewed my profile and moved on without a word - so clearly something about me was not appealing.

By the time I left my house, I wasn't even excited to go to the ranch. I always get anxious about going new places because my brain is always like "where do I park, how will I know where to go, what if I go to the wrong place, what if I got the date wrong?" but add all the other thoughts on top of that and, boy oh boy, I was definitely struggling. 

So I talked to my mom on the way and just decided to do my best to have a good time. And, since the experience at the ranch isn't the focus of this blog post (I know, I know, you're wondering if there even is a focus), I'll just say that it was amazing, I felt the spirit of the Lord moving in me, and I can't wait to spend some time there. I was quite glad that I went. 

However, the real "ah-ha" moment came when I went to my lesson at my barn (the barn where I was worried it'd be like I was 'cheating' on my friends there if I spent any time at the equine ministry even though the rational part of me knows that they wouldn't disown me for it *fingers crossed*). I wasn't really feeling like riding. It was a dreary day and I just wanted to spend time with Pepper.

So I did. And while I worked with her, while we worked on standing still and being present, on leading with energy, and some small practical things like turning on the haunches/forehand, my worries from that morning seemed so inconsequential. Pepper didn't care what I looked like. She didn't care if I was a little heavier (although I'm sure she'd like it if I lost some weight and had a stronger core haha) or if I was dealing with some acne issues. She likes me for me. 

As I connected with her, something awesome happened (and if this is a normal thing that horses do, don't tell me, I want to live in my bubble). I would stand next to her head, holding the lead rope, and we'd both be facing the same direction. Then, without twitching the lead rope, applying any pressure, or anything, I'd pivot 90 degrees. And, without hesitation, Pepper would turn to once again stand beside me. 

She gets me. She has no expectations of me. She grounds me. She reminds me that being at peace with yourself and with those around you are what's important. To me, Pepper is a reflection of God's love for me. Pepper was created by God, as all horses were, and is a part of one of the most intelligent species there is. Pepper reminds me that she's happy with the way I am and that so is God (something I often forget). 

Being with Pepper, working with her, learning to watch her cues and see when she speaks to me, helps so much with my anxious brain. Outward appearances are great and all, but my self-esteem should not be based on what I think I should look like. Rather, I should take a page from Pepper's book and just be content to be with those who care about me. Who value and love me for me.

Because what Pepper and I have? That connection? It's only growing stronger, deeper, more meaningful. And if she's happy with me (and this is a horse who has an "I bite" sign on her stall) then I sure as heck can be happy with me, too.

Cute pic of Frigg and Lady!