Isn't Trust Wonderful?

All the trust from one little hoof-picking session!

I've become an avid follower of Warwick Schiller lately. I really like listening to his videos and learning all sorts of amazing things. And so when he said something on a video I watched about trust, it really hit me and made me think. 

Warwick was talking about trust. He said that horses are naturally "flight" creatures. In a panicky situation, they're gonna run, 90% of the time. But, when a human is picking out a horse's hoof, that horse is literally unable to run or walk or move at all while their hoof is being held up in the air.

That's trust.

That's your horse, listening to you ask for their hoof (and they don't really know why because they don't really care about clean hooves) and readily picking that hoof up and giving it to their person. They're trusting you. They're trusting, 100%, that if something happens, you will protect them. You are watching out for them. 

So when your horse lets you pick up his or her hoof, they are essentially saying "I am not concerned about needing to run for safety because I am trusting that you will look out for me and protect me and that you have my best interests at heart." 

How amazing is that? How powerful and cool is it to have that much trust placed in you? 

On Saturday, I went to ride Pepper for the first time after watching this Warwick video and hearing about the trust and the hoof scenario. When I asked her to give me her hoof, she picked it right up and, having this new insight now, I marveled at the trust she was putting in me. 

But I also thought about what it means for me, on my end. If Pepper is putting her trust in me, what am I to do with that trust? I could take that trust and force her to do what I want. The owner of the barn said that sometimes people use that trust, that picking up of the hoof, to break a horse. To force them to bend to your will.

That's not me, that's not my relationship with Pepper, and that's not at all the type of connection and trust bonds that are forged at my barn. 

Pepper is putting her trust in me. That's a commitment and a bond that I am accepting from her and being respectful of. The trust she is giving me is something I need to respect and give back to her ten-fold. It's the start of a relationship, a connection. It may be something as simple as picking a hoof up to clean it out but if you really think about it, it's a sign of so much more.

I've earned Pepper's trust, at least in a basic sense. Now, it's time to deserve that trust.

Introducing Pepper and the Start of This Wonderful Journey

Pepper and myself!

Welcome to my new blog. I've not been very good with blogs in the past but I am really excited for this one because this time, it's not about putting out 'x' number of posts a week or using the right buzz words to get people's attention and build a platform. There's no end goal in sight, no expectations.

No expectations.

You'll read that a lot in this blog. It's something that I'm learning to be okay with and something that I hope to inspire others to be okay with, too. But that comes later. 

First, we got to get the "get to know you's" out of the way. The reason why you should be reading this blog and not binge-watching the newest season of The Rookie. So before we embark on the journey, before we saddle up and ride (this is a horse-based blog, after all - you'll find the horse references are pretty much required), let me give you a glimpse into the two characters who are going to be on this journey. First, let me show you who I am so that you can connect with me as I go through my journey and perhaps that will, in turn, help you on yours.

This is my official headshot. I don't usually look like this!

I'm Michelle. I'm a middle school librarian and I absolutely love my job. Some days, it can be exhausting and overwhelming but, overall, it's spectacular and amazing. My students make me laugh and I love connecting with them on our new favorite books.

Outside of school, I'm definitely an introvert. I have few close friends and, while I come across as outgoing and vivacious at school, this is not me at home. I was never outgoing in college and I'm not now. I don't enjoy meeting new people or being in large crowds. Lately, I've even been anxious about going to a new church that I really do want to go to - all because I don't like having to greet people and I don't like talking to strangers. I would say I have social anxiety. I also have generalized anxiety in that I worry too much about what other people think and I'm very quick to jump on the "worst case scenario" train. Like for real, when I get a call from my principal, there's always a brief moment of "Oh crap, what did I do, I'm fired," even though I know perfectly well I didn't do anything wrong. So I tend to play it safe and stick with what I know. 

I say all this to say that I have a hard time outside of work. The person people see at work is not really who I am at home - though I wish it were sometimes. But I'm working on it - therapy has really helped me and is helping me but I'm really starting a journey to better myself, build my confidence, and embrace life to the fullest because who wants to live with regrets? I say I'm content being on my own and not having a significant other and I am, more or less, but I want to still be able to say that my life has purpose and meaning - even if it's just me and the cat at home. 

So my journey begins. This is the journey that I am going to take you on with me. But - before we can do that, you have to meet the other character on this journey.

Pepper doing what she does best - eating grass!

Her name is Pepper. She is a mare (a girl, for those of you not versed in horse lingo) and she is a stocky, little Appaloosa Pony  of the Americas. Technically, she's a varnished chestnut POA. She's got a scruffy little mane and a white horizontal bar across her muzzle - possibly an old scar. 

She is a lesson horse. She's a school pony. She's not some fancy show horse or hunter jumper or racehorse. She's not a cute little Shetland or regal Thoroughbred. She doesn't have a glossy chestnut coat or a gorgeous, flowing mane.

But that's okay. Because on this journey that I'm taking, she is pushing me and testing me and connecting with me. She's Pepper. And to really understand the journey, you have to understand where we both started. So I hope you'll bear with me a bit more. I promise all my blog posts won't be this long (but if they are, you won't care because I'm such a good writer) so journey on with me on this one. 

I rode horses in high school and loved it. This past spring (in 2021), I quit my job at the animal shelter (and it did not end the way I wanted it to). I had worked/volunteered there every Saturday for 8 years and now I didn't have that commitment. At first, it was great but I knew that I wanted to get into something new. Why not go back to horses? So I did. I found a local stable that talked about horses and mental health and healing on their website and I decided to give it a shot. 

After the first Welcome Workshop, I was hooked. This was the place I wanted to be. So I began weekly lessons. I rode a variety of horses - Moose, Julian, Teo, and Choo - and just enjoyed being back in the saddle. Getting my bearings again. Then, one day, I showed up and my usual mount was not available so my trainer said "why don't you go with Pepper or Sundance?" So I said, okay, sure and headed over to their stalls. Well, they both had signs on their stalls that said "Don't touch me - I bite." And they both looked angry. I go back to my trainer (who I know knows what she is doing but still) and said, "Um...are you sure about that?" Yeah, yeah, she says and tells me that Pepper would be good but just to go visit each one and see. Well, Sundance was particularly crabby that day so Pepper it was. My trainer had to get her out of the stall the first couple of times because Pepper is quite protective of her space. And let me tell you, Pepper was not an easy ride. She expected things of me. Expected me to use my knees and my legs and not yank on the reins (which luckily I'm not a real yanky type person). And so we began to get to know each other on these special Saturdays.

In Spring of 2022, I had a lesson and Pepper was not her usual self. She had a moment where she tried to throw me off. Luckily, she was unsuccessful but boy, oh boy, was my confidence shaken. I kept riding that day but every little movement left me wondering if she was going to try again. The following weekend, Pepper got spooked in the cross-ties and I was an anxious, nervous wreck. I had to wipe tears away because when I get really anxious, I cry. But I didn't want anyone to see. Still, I knew that I was not up to riding Pepper so we did ground work. And at the end, I gathered my courage and admitted that I was not comfortable on Pepper and needed to take a break from her. I needed to regain my confidence. 

And my instructor understood. There was no push to "work through it" or "it'll get better if you keep trying." No, she heard me and she valued my opinion and she put me on Max and George until my confidence returned. That is something I love about my stables - the human is worth listening to. I rode Max and George for several weeks and, while we didn't do anything more than walk, I relaxed, relearned, and refocused.

Fast forward to the beginning of fall. I finally felt ready to return to riding Pepper. I got back onto her and, while it was difficult at first, I was able to keep my confidence and remain calm. I started to be able to "read" Pepper, to understand when she was overwhelmed, to recognize when she needed to be lunged before riding. We were "gelling" as I like to say.

And so I asked the owner of the barn (whom I admire so so much), for some groundwork exercises I could do. I wanted to work with Pepper on the ground to build a stronger footing so our riding would be better. At first, that is all it was. Just a "means to an end." After all, I'd loved cantering on Teo and really wanted to do that again. Who doesn't want to fly? 

But instead of just giving me some exercises and setting me loose, the owner of the barn opened my eyes to a whole new world and a whole new idea of thinking in the equestrian world. She introduced me to Dr. Susan Fay and her book, Sacred Spaces. She and another instructor showed me how to anchor myself to counter Pepper's moments of insecurity. They taught me the Masterson Method to help Pepper relieve her stress. What's more - I began to dive in and research myself. That's the thing about me - when I get passionate about something new, I am all in, 100%. I want to know it all and do it all.

That brings us to today. My journey into this world of understanding your horse is just beginning but, oh boy, am I excited to see where it takes me. Whereas in the past I might have been frustrated at a lesson where all I did was walk or, goodness gracious, never even saddle up, now I'm using my bi-weekly lessons to just match.steps.with.my.horse. That's it. She grazes and I match my steps to hers when she moves. And I'm here for it. I'm here for all of it.

Because at this barn, I'm connecting with my horse. I'm at ease at the barn. I have no expectations of Pepper and she has none of me. My instructor doesn't have expectations. The barn kittens don't have expectations. My goal when I'm there is to connect with Pepper and form a bond with her. I want to help her be her best self and I know she'll help me too. And as those self-imposed expectations lessen, my anxiety lessens. My depression is nonexistent (I didn't take my anti-depression meds this morning and I.feel.amazing.) I'm seeking a relationship with no expectations and that's something you don't do much in this world. There's always expectations. 

But not here. 

Not with Pepper. 

And so I invite you along on this journey as I learn more about the equine therapy model and as I learn more from the greats like Warwick Schiller, Dr. Susan Fay, Tania Kindersley, and my instructors at the barn. I'm learning not only about horsemanship and equines but I'm learning about myself and how to better myself in this world I'm in. 

I won't be posting regularly. Sometimes, I'll get the writing bug (like I clearly did today) and I'll post more than one post. Sometimes, it might be several weeks between posts. I don't have any expectations for this blog. No one might even read it. ;) And that's okay. But I hope you'll journey with me because I plan to share it all  (the good, the bad, the funny, the ugly) as I take it one.step.at.a.time. 

Won't you match your steps to mine (and Pepper's)?